{"id":83,"date":"2013-01-22T16:18:19","date_gmt":"2013-01-22T22:18:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/?page_id=83"},"modified":"2013-02-12T13:10:05","modified_gmt":"2013-02-12T19:10:05","slug":"ch-1-g-something-new","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/?page_id=83","title":{"rendered":"ch. 1.g    Something New"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><a title=\"ch. 1. f.   Crisis\" href=\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/?page_id=80\">&lt; previous <\/a>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 <a title=\"ch 1. h.  Confirmations\" href=\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/?page_id=120\">next &gt; <\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><em>Prefer to listen?\u00a0 Click here:<\/em><br \/>\n<div id=\"mp3jWrap_0\" class=\"mjp-s-wrapper s-graphic unsel-mjp  verdana-mjp\" style=\"font-size:14px;\"><span id=\"playpause_wrap_mp3j_0\" class=\"wrap_inline_mp3j\" style=\"font-weight:700;\"><span class=\"gfxbutton_mp3j play-mjp\" id=\"playpause_mp3j_0\" style=\"font-size:14px;\">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/span>&nbsp;<span class=\"group_wrap\"><span class=\"bars_mp3j\"><span class=\"loadB_mp3j\" id=\"load_mp3j_0\"><\/span><span class=\"posbarB_mp3j\" id=\"posbar_mp3j_0\"><\/span><\/span><span class=\"T_mp3j\" id=\"T_mp3j_0\" style=\"font-size:14px;\">1. Chapter-1-g<\/span><span class=\"indi_mp3j\" style=\"font-size:9.8px;\" id=\"statusMI_0\"><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/div><span class=\"s-nosolution\" id=\"mp3j_nosolution_0\" style=\"display:none;\"><\/span><script>\nMP3jPLAYLISTS.inline_0 = [\n\t{ name: \"1. Chapter-1-g\", formats: [\"mp3\"], mp3: \"aHR0cHM6Ly9oYW5pbGl2ZXMuY29tL3dwLWNvbnRlbnQvdXBsb2Fkcy9IUy1OZXctQ2gtMS1nLm1wMw==\", counterpart:\"\", artist: \"\", image: \"\", imgurl: \"\" }\n];\n<\/script>\n\n<script>MP3jPLAYERS[0] = { list: MP3jPLAYLISTS.inline_0, tr:0, type:'single', lstate:'', loop:false, play_txt:'&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;', pause_txt:'&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;', pp_title:'', autoplay:false, download:false, vol:100, height:'' };<\/script><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-thumbnail wp-image-84\" alt=\"photo\" src=\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo1-150x200.jpg\" width=\"150\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo1-150x200.jpg 150w, https:\/\/hanilives.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo1-225x300.jpg 225w, https:\/\/hanilives.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo1-768x1024.jpg 768w, https:\/\/hanilives.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo1.jpg 1224w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px\" \/><\/a>Patty and I agreed we needed a drink, even though it was now the middle of the night, hours after all the drama.\u00a0 We\u2019d gone with Yolanda to the hospital, and the police agreed to keep watch on her for the night, and transfer her to another shelter across the bay in the morning, off the turf of her so-called friends.\u00a0 We knew we\u2019d be at it first thing tomorrow, making sure they did what they promised, but for now, we were both wrung out and needed to decompress.<\/p>\n<p>Patty invited me to her place, which turned out to be not too far from my own.\u00a0 But where my place looked and felt a little like a refugee camp, hers was cozy and warm, simple and clean, with bright colored cushions and soft lights.\u00a0 I wanted to cry, just walking in there.<\/p>\n<p>She poured us each a glass of wine, set out some munchies, cheese, apple slices, actual healthy food she had in her fridge.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t have munchies at my house.\u00a0 I was lucky to have a spoonful left at the bottom of the peanut butter jar.<\/p>\n<p>Sitting there, feeling that cocoon of warmth creep up, the impact of the day began to hit me.\u00a0 I felt something coming over me, reaction, I\u2019m sure.\u00a0 Just sitting there, trying to keep a grip, telling myself I was not going to lose control, not there, not then, not in front of this woman I barely knew.<\/p>\n<p>But there it was.\u00a0 I started to shake, just a little, then so badly I set my glass, down lest I spill wine all over her sofa.\u00a0 I tried to staunch the onslaught of emotions, only vaguely aware that it was much more than the evening\u2019s events rising up.\u00a0 I choked back ragged breaths; all at once there was this ferocious, uncontrollable anger, at Yolanda\u2019s asshole boyfriend\/rapist, all of those animals who\u2019d done this to her.\u00a0 Anger even at Yolanda, for having agreed to it all, for having chosen that life.\u00a0 Anger at myself for being no better, no stronger, no less stupid than she.\u00a0 Anger at Dale, anger like I hadn\u2019t let myself feel in all this time.<\/p>\n<p>And grief, grief that was eating me away from the inside out, grief for everything I\u2019d lost, everything I had never fucking found.<\/p>\n<p>And here I was, in this woman\u2019s apartment, falling apart.\u00a0 I felt panicky, like I had to get out of there, right that moment.\u00a0 I might have bolted, but something deep inside me was so much more afraid of the dark and the cold outside.<\/p>\n<p>Patty just sat there, as if people fell apart in her living room all the time.\u00a0 She seemed almost oblivious, in a way as if she was lost in her own thoughts, but occasionally, she would meet my eyes, and give me a smile that was so\u2026 radiant, compassionate, non-judgmental.\u00a0 I\u2019d seen her that way with clients, even the grittiest, most problematic ones, borderline mentally ill, women off the streets, reeking of whiskey and their own unwashed bodies.\u00a0 I never thought I\u2019d need that tranquil, accepting manner myself.\u00a0 I never really considered that her loving aura might be more than a superficial act.<\/p>\n<p>She let me sit there and hyperventilate, didn\u2019t try to comfort me or hug me or anything, and the wave kind of washed on over me, leaving me with an emptiness that was almost more terrifying than the anger.<\/p>\n<p>I seem to recall looking over at her, aware that the pain and emptiness must show on my face.<\/p>\n<p>And then finally, she slowly started to talk, in that same plain-spoken way she\u2019d used with the gangbanger.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know anything about her, her background, her education.\u00a0 She had a reputation for getting things done, for not adding to the over-supply of drama around the Center, and, unlike some of the other staff, she didn\u2019t try to fancy things up with a lot of social work terms.\u00a0 Now, she talked simply but openly about her own search for meaning, her own floundering efforts to make sense of life, about some of the things she\u2019d been through herself, the sister who\u2019d been raped and beaten.\u00a0 She talked about finding her \u201cpath\u201d, her \u201cteacher\u201d.\u00a0 She even laughed and sounded, well, like me, saying how she never believed in all that guru stuff, how this was\u2026 different.<\/p>\n<p>For some weird reason, the usual objections and arguments didn\u2019t leap to my tongue.\u00a0 For some reason, I felt her words almost physically washing over me.\u00a0 I felt this beautiful state of\u2026 <i>peace<\/i>.<\/p>\n<p>This odd image came to me: I wanted to save her words in a bucket, so I could hear them again later, because for the moment all I could do was feel this\u2026 calm, peaceful understanding that was somehow beyond words.\u00a0 I wanted to remember her words, but at the moment, there was something more filling the room, leaving little space for anything else.<\/p>\n<p>And I felt the hunger come back.\u00a0 Only, for the first time, the hunger had a focus.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t just that I wanted that indefinable \u201csomething\u201d that was always just beyond my grasp, beyond my ken.<\/p>\n<p>It was that I wanted\u2026 <i>this<\/i>.<\/p>\n<p>I took a couple of books home, written by Patty\u2019s teacher, her guru.\u00a0 That still sounded so <i>woo woo<\/i> to me.\u00a0 But I took the books, and read them, devoured them, over the next days.<\/p>\n<p>And within a week, I packed up all the other New Age stuff I\u2019d collected during my own search.\u00a0 Nothing in them held up to the wholeness, the pristine rigor that came across through these new writings.\u00a0 I hauled it all to the used bookstore.\u00a0 I knew I\u2019d found what I was looking for.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><a title=\"ch. 1. f.   Crisis\" href=\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/?page_id=80\">&lt; previous <\/a>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 <a title=\"ch 1. h.  Confirmations\" href=\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/?page_id=120\">next &gt; <\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&nbsp; &lt; previous \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/?page_id=83\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-83","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/83","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=83"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/83\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":386,"href":"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/83\/revisions\/386"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=83"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}