<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n O, were it but my life, —\u00a0\u00a0 Shakespeare, Measure for Measure<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Jim finished fastening his jacket, almost fumbling with the task, time now pressing back down on us.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve got to go,\u201d he said, unnecessarily, looking at me now with considerable concern, which was not how he\u2019d been looking at me only a few minutes before. \u00a0But I\u2019d already seen that switch flipped, back to Captain mode, back to action, back to saving the day.<\/p>\n He paused long enough to put a hand to my cheek.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m going to get us out of here, Hani, I\u2019m\u2026\u201d he broke off, and again in my new-found clarity I could see the two sides wrestling, the man and the captain.<\/p>\n The man came in for one last kiss, fast but definitive, a murmured, \u201cYou\u2019re an amazing woman,\u201d before practically bolting out the door.<\/p>\n Words like that, spoken just that way?\u00a0 You want to file them away somewhere safe, someplace where you\u2019ll never forget them.<\/p>\n I stood there in his wake, and wondered if I was going to die.<\/p>\n Reader, you may not believe this, but in that moment, it didn\u2019t really matter.<\/p>\n In a way it never had.\u00a0 The idea of Death had never really scared me.\u00a0 Not my own, anyway.\u00a0 Other people\u2019s yes, fear of having something taken away from me, fear of losing something, someone, in my life.\u00a0 I\u2019d known that terror for sure.<\/p>\n But for myself?\u00a0 \u00a0I guess I was born with that pre-programmed belief that we\u2019re all on some eternal continuum.\u00a0 Even as a kid I remember thinking of \u201cdeath\u201d as just one of the many transitions we make.\u00a0 It was like my childish fascination with the dark.\u00a0 I understood that darkness didn\u2019t mean there was nothing there.\u00a0 It just meant we couldn\u2019t see what was there at the moment.\u00a0 Sooner or later the sun would come up again, and all would be revealed.\u00a0 Again.<\/p>\n This wasn\u2019t something I felt comfortable talking about with people, for obvious reasons; certainly not in those days.\u00a0 But the belief was there, and now it remained with me as I put a hand to my belly and almost idly tried to picture what was going on inside me.<\/p>\n In case that sounds just a little too noble to be true, I admit I was very clear about one thing.\u00a0 If it turned out that my body couldn\u2019t fight the thing off, I would make them swear to put me out of my misery when the time came.<\/p>\n In a reverie part hormonal, part metaphysical, I lay back down, and that\u2019s how Bones found me, stretched out, limp in the aftermath of a release I hadn\u2019t had in so very long.<\/p>\n His look mirrored Jim\u2019s as he got straight to business, barely saying hello as he scanned my body, frowning in concentration.\u00a0 He focused on his instruments.\u00a0 I focused on his face, ready to read the first sign of reaction.\u00a0 The man has a hell of a poker face.<\/p>\n In that few minutes of silence, I\u2019m not sure either of us drew a breath.\u00a0 Then, finally, he raised his eyes to mine, relief too great for hide.<\/p>\n \u201cJim\u2019s clear, Hani.\u00a0 And your body\u2019s doing exactly what we predicted.\u00a0 In fact, here \u2013 see for yourself.\u00a0 Absolutely amazing.\u201d He did indeed look utterly fascinated.\u00a0 \u201cLook.\u201d\u00a0 He tilted the screen toward me.\u00a0 It looked kind of like what you\u2019d see through a microscope.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t really know what I was seeing, but he was eager to explain.\u00a0 \u201cSee there, those dark cells, that mass\u2026 we\u2019re very glad to see that, it means the mass successfully transferred cohesively, from Jim to you.\u00a0 And you can see it, even as we\u2019re watching, you can see it\u2019s dissolving.\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s your body, at the cellular level, attacking the intruder.\u00a0 It\u2019s happening, Hani.\u00a0 It\u2019s working.\u201d<\/p>\n He set his device aside, looked toward the door, then back at me.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve got to let them know.\u00a0 Before we\u2026\u201d\u00a0 He hesitated, then he reached out a hand and laid it flat on my belly.\u00a0 \u201cAbsolutely amazing,\u201d he repeated, shaking his head in wonder.\u00a0 His hand lingered, and somehow, subtly, crossed his own invisible line just then, sliding down, as if of its own accord, to rest between my legs.\u00a0 And in the gentle caress, I felt tenderness, awe, and the tingling electricity of desire.<\/p>\n He was gone only a minute before he came back in and sat down beside me.\u00a0\u00a0 Outside, I knew, Jim and Spock would already be busy planning their next move; freed, so it appeared now, from the specter of their imminent deaths.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re feeling okay?\u201d Bones asked.\u00a0 I nodded with a blush.\u00a0 Okay seemed a guilty understatement.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, I said, \u201cThis takes a little\u2026pressure off?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it just leaves us with some planetary level conspiracies and a hell of a diplomatic problem, but, yes, the signs are definitely promising.\u201d\u00a0 He reached out again, put a hand to my waist.\u00a0 He gave a little laugh, \u201cOh, Hani, now I feel like I\u2019m just here to take advantage.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLeonard McCoy, you of all people know better than that.\u201d\u00a0 Me, back to gentle teasing, feeling my own wave of relief bubbling up.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to explain, but now that I knew the potency of all of this, I began to ache to hold him, almost like a mother aches to hold her child, fiercely protective, fiercely loving, and sure of her place in the scheme of things.<\/p>\n I never called him by his given name.\u00a0 No one did.\u00a0 I could see that it warmed him.\u00a0 He put a hand to my cheek, and once again, I felt myself flow into a touch.<\/p>\n But this was different, and I let myself, so tentatively at first, have the wonder of that, the distinct smell of him, the texture of his hair, the pattern of beard growth under his smooth-shaven cheek.\u00a0 The way his healing fingers played on my skin.<\/p>\n His energy, too, was so different from Jim\u2019s.\u00a0 If Jim\u2019s element was air, all constant motion, changeable, quixotic and teasing, capable of blowing your house down with a single spontaneous and perfectly targeted breath, Bones was water; fluid, lapping waves against your skin, leaving no surface unexplored, untouched.\u00a0 Not even the remotest crevice could remain dry in its wake.<\/p>\n As we moved in full awareness of the urgency without, I still felt his languid Southern charm like a slow dance on a hot evening, as if there was all the time in the world to get there, as if we already knew every step of the way by heart.<\/p>\n Where Jim had come to me in some tumbled gust of fatalistic abandon and worldly attitude, Bones slid into me like my body was some familiar land he knew well, like some neighborhood bar where he knew everyone would know his name, where he already knew he would feel right at home.\u00a0 Easy, so very easy.<\/p>\n If I felt satisfied after my time with Jim, I was in something of an altered state by the time Bones collapsed and rolled over beside me, both of us covered in sweat.<\/p>\n No time to linger, he briefly let himself touch my body as if memorizing the landscape, before putting himself back together, the uniform sharply re-adjusted.\u00a0 And, of course, back to business, he took new readings, though now there didn\u2019t seem to be any official dividing line between his normal bedside manner and his, well, bedside manner.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Like Jim, Bones was able to flip that switch, back into total medical mode.\u00a0 I smiled, exhausted, thinking how most women would be a little pissed at how fast these guys were able to change like that, leave a girl still catching her breath while they bolted, but, compared to Jim, this new Bones defied categorizing.\u00a0 With one hand he held up the scanner again, now no layer of fabric between patient and physician.\u00a0 He propped the screen against my thigh, so he could read the display while his other hand lay perfectly at home on the soft curve of my hip.\u00a0 I stretched, cat-like, under his touch.<\/p>\n His attention focused more sharply.\u00a0 A short, exhaled laugh.\u00a0 “My god, Hani, I thought it might be possible, theoretically but…”.<\/p>\n At my quizzical look he grinned.\u00a0 “Frankly, I was a bit concerned that the effect of the acidity would be diluted over time, in essence what Spock explained earlier. In which case, it might well be that the cure couldn’t …repeat itself, or not without enough time… between to let your natural stasis return.\u00a0 Of course, time is what we don’t have.\u00a0\u00a0 But I thought there might be another possibility, and sure enough, I think that’s what’s happening.”<\/p>\n “Darlin\u2019, what are you talking about?”\u00a0 I prodded him, the unexpected endearment rolling spontaneously off my tongue.<\/p>\n His fleeting, pleased smile was his only reaction to that small intimacy.\u00a0 He concentrated on the work at hand.\u00a0 “I think your defense systems, rather than being depleted, are going into hyper-drive.\u00a0 My guess is that, honestly, being exposed to two different men kicked your vagina up into high gear, in a way.\u00a0 That’s very good news for all of us.”<\/p>\n “So,” I relaxed back down beside him, “you’re saying, the more I, uh, embrace you all, the more I reject you?”<\/p>\n “I’d put it a little differently,” Bones replied softly.\u00a0 “The more you\u2026 open up, the greater your power to heal.”<\/p>\n Oh. Damn.\u00a0 I could see his keen blue eyes sparkling, as if with tears welling up, or was it only my own?\u00a0 The thing is, I couldn\u2019t demur or contradict this.\u00a0 I could feel my own body, pulsating with an energy that I could barely contain.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t explain to Bones, couldn\u2019t explain that I simply knew, with a certainty beyond what his instruments could ever register, that this, too, was the playing out of an inevitability that was the music of my life.\u00a0 That this wave engulfed us all, that we were all caught in a web of some larger construction whose far limits I hadn\u2019t even begun to guess at.\u00a0 This sweeping cosmic certainty was so strong\u2026. Reader, It\u2019s almost impossible to describe, this sensation of being flooded with inner electricity, with some clarity of vision that only in hindsight would I think to label, so very inadequately, as \u201cmystical\u201d.<\/p>\n Ah, but Bones only smiled, and sighed, as he briskly stood to leave.\u00a0 “You holding up all right?” he asked, reaching out, just one last time, to brush the hair off my forehead.\u00a0 “Ready for Spock?”<\/p>\n I couldn\u2019t help a little grin, thankful to be re-tethered to earth, however dazed I remained.\u00a0 “Is anyone ready for Spock?” I asked.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n < previous<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 next ><\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" < previous\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 next > O, were it but my life, I’d throw it down for your deliverance As frankly as a pin. (3.1.11) —\u00a0\u00a0 Shakespeare, Measure for Measure Jim finished fastening his jacket, … Continue reading ![\"300px-The_Earth_seen_from_Apollo_17\"](\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/300px-The_Earth_seen_from_Apollo_17-150x150.jpg\")
<\/a><\/i><\/p>\n
\nI’d throw it down for your deliverance
\nAs frankly as a pin. (3.1.11)<\/i><\/p>\n