<\/p>\n
I\u2019m sitting in the main recreation area, which is kind of the Enterprise<\/i> version of the neighborhood pub.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been here going on four months, and right now I\u2019m smiling, because Melban, the impossibly young yeoman I\u2019d been talking to, had left me \u2013 at my little nudge of encouragement \u2013 to go join an equally awkward young ensign for a drink.<\/p>\n Funny, really.\u00a0 I\u2019d begun my career at the hands-on level, working in women\u2019s centers, dealing with an endless string of hopeless lives.\u00a0 Maybe the truth was that, by the time Bob came along, I needed the relative detachment of muckraking journalism, where I could look at the Big Picture, and convince myself I was fighting the evils of the world without having to look at any actual wounds.<\/p>\n Of course, that was before I stirred up the hornet\u2019s nest that was Lester Worsham.<\/p>\n Several centuries of peace and social advancement since then had required an adjustment of my crusading attitude.\u00a0 I now spent my research time studying comparative cultures.\u00a0 There were still unending cultural variations in the galaxy, and some weren\u2019t pretty, but within the Federation, and on modern day Earth, women had long since righted most historical inequities.\u00a0 There wasn\u2019t a big market for feminist muckrakers nowadays.<\/p>\n But there was still, and always would be, a need for good listeners.\u00a0 Relations between humans\u00a0 – and of course, nowadays, between humans and other species \u2013 would always hold challenges and uncertainties.\u00a0 Growing up was always going to be full of doubts and awkwardness.\u00a0 Young yeomen like Melban would always need a sympathetic ear and an older, wiser confidante.<\/p>\n My very outsider status made me the perfect person to hear confidences.\u00a0 I had nothing to do with the chain of command, though everyone knew by now I had friendships both high and low.\u00a0 Add to that an angle of view that could see both the comparative novelty of things in my new century, and also see all the things that never change.\u00a0 Bones joked that I should hang out my shingle as a free-lance shrink.\u00a0 I just thought of it as a new way of practicing the same old calling, and I loved that the issues, at least here aboard this ship, were no longer life-threatening.<\/p>\n When I\u2019d first arrived, there hadn\u2019t been a great sense of urgency, but as the date for the settlers\u2019 arrival grew closer, everyone (except me) got busier.\u00a0 Still, I\u2019d had time to get to know my new friends much better, and Bones, by virtue of having more time on his hands \u2013 at least until the new colonists appeared \u2013 had become kind of a regular buddy.<\/p>\n I was pretty sure it was that hug I\u2019d asked for that started melting the professional formality between us.\u00a0 The two of us had found we shared a love of music, and, since Spock had re-jiggered my iPod with both infinite memory and an infinite power supply, I\u2019d enjoyed getting Bones\u2019 reactions to my eclectic collection.\u00a0 We\u2019d had half a dozen very pleasant evenings spent that way, listening to music, talking, and sipping whatever potion he chose to bring along with him.\u00a0 We\u2019d kind of bonded, he and I.<\/p>\n But that evening, as I sat by myself, observing Melban fumble her way through something like flirtation, it was Jim who came in by himself, looking uncharacteristically beat.\u00a0 He scanned the room; that constant vigilance was part of what made him such a natural leader.\u00a0 I watched as he worked his way among the tables, smooth as any politician, greeting, acknowledging, a smile here, a question answered there.\u00a0 One young man \u2013 who\u2019d obviously been there too long – got nothing more than a pointed look, but that was enough for him to push his chair back and stagger out, head hanging.<\/p>\n When he finally caught my eye, smiled, and walked over to join me at my corner table, I knew that\u2019s where he\u2019d been headed all along.\u00a0 I was pleased to see him.\u00a0 We hadn\u2019t had many chances to visit, just the two of us.<\/p>\n I was right.\u00a0 He was tired, and frustrated.\u00a0 He was supposed to be working with the Federation-appointed Liaison, Friedrich Kandel, who was in charge of the colony set-up and design until the team of permanent residents arrived. \u00a0But Jim and Kandel were like oil and water.\u00a0 They had been from the start.\u00a0 Kandel was one of those bean counters who insisted on endless debate and analysis about every decision, no matter how small \u2013 from the siting of every building to, rather obsessively, the design of the colony\u2019s logo.<\/p>\n Whether it\u2019s a young yeoman\u2019s social insecurities, or a Captain\u2019s work-related exasperation, attentive listening is much the same.\u00a0 Jim knew I had no stake in things.\u00a0 I think that made it easy for him to speak freely.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a hell of a situation, Hani, stuck out here in the middle of nowhere dealing with a pompous idiot like Kandel.\u00a0 Did you know he\u2019s never worked off Earth before?\u00a0 He has no idea what we\u2019re dealing with.\u00a0 He\u2019s one of those people who thinks every place is just like where he came from.\u00a0 Just because it looks like Kansas he thinks he can bring in a bunch of farmers and set up shop.\u00a0 Virgilian has great potential, it\u2019s true \u2013 you\u2019ve seen the reports, right?\u00a0 But we haven\u2019t begun to understand some of the biological variants there, and Kandel takes any advice from me as interference.\u00a0 And his team is no better.\u00a0 Might as well have sent a group of first year Academy plebes to do the surveys.\u00a0 He\u2019s tossed out half the preliminary work we did before he got here, just because he wants his staff to \u2018get more experience\u2019.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been doing this for a long damned time and I\u2019ll tell you, lack of experience gets more people killed than anything I know.\u201d<\/p>\n I was listening and nodding through this tirade, confided in a low, tense voice as he made short work of his first drink, that potent Arcadian ale I\u2019d noticed he favored when he really wanted to unwind.\u00a0\u00a0 He waved a hand to order a second, and I watched his eyes follow the shapely female crewmember who brought his refill.\u00a0 She walked away with a little extra swish of the hips.\u00a0 Respectful, but the message was there.<\/p>\n I wondered how he handled it, a single man, in his position.<\/p>\n And since I had no stake in things, and since I kind of enjoyed prodding Jim a little, I asked him.\u00a0 What did a starship captain do for\u2026companionship?<\/p>\n My question had the distracting effect I intended.\u00a0 He tossed back half of his drink, and leaned forward with a tired but teasing smile. \u00a0\u201cI\u2019d be delighted to show you,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n Several of my internal parts did a little flip.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t immune to Jim\u2019s charms, even though it was clear the same was true of at least half the female crew as well.\u00a0 Still, I chalked this one up to his innate hound-dog instincts, and didn\u2019t take it as a serious pass.\u00a0 I smiled and patted his hand,\u00a0 not the least bit flirtatiously; he reached over to cover mine with his, and now his smile looked merely tired, and maybe a little regretful.\u00a0 He gave my hand a little squeeze and went back to his drink.<\/p>\n \u201cSorry, Hani,\u201d he said, and, not for the first time, I smiled at the easy way he used my nickname.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t quite pinpoint when I\u2019d stopped being the more formal \u201cHanalie\u201d, but it was another reminder of how I\u2019d begun to feel like myself here.<\/p>\n He went on, \u201cI\u2019m just blowing off steam.\u00a0 The settlers are due here within the week.\u00a0 Once we\u2019re assured things are stable, we can head for home, and get back to a real assignment.\u201d<\/p>\n I felt obligated to point out the obvious.\u00a0 \u201cWe wouldn\u2019t be here now, if it wasn\u2019t for Worsham.\u00a0 And me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSecond guessing\u2019s a fool\u2019s game,\u201d he replied, with dismissive certainty.\u00a0 His look sharpened; he cocked his head, eyes narrowed in on me.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not sorry you decided to come with us, are you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d I said slowly.\u00a0 Looking around me, seeing Melban, giggling with her new beau, I couldn\u2019t help smiling at such normal life going on, even here so far away from everyone\u2019s home. \u00a0I turned back to meet Jim\u2019s intent gaze.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not.\u201d\u00a0 I thought about it for a second, then grinned.\u00a0 \u201cI wouldn\u2019t have missed this for the world.\u201d<\/p>\n Jim nodded, drained his glass; then, surprising me, he said, \u201cCome on, Hani, let\u2019s get out of here.\u201d\u00a0 He stood, and I realized that others in the room were discreetly looking in our direction.\u00a0\u00a0 Again, I thought about his life, his role: this is what it meant to be the one in charge.<\/p>\n So I rose with him and we walked out, the speculative eyes of the same female crewmember following us as she moved over to clean our table.<\/p>\n In the hallway, I sensed his impatience and frustration even more strongly.\u00a0 You could feel him letting his guard down when he was out of sight of his crew.\u00a0 Once more, I wondered about how he managed his emotions, not to mention his other needs, in such a constricted environment.\u00a0 Privacy wasn\u2019t easy to find; secrets not easy to keep.<\/p>\n Thinking along those lines, I decided it would be prudent to call it quits for the evening, but then he insisted on walking me to my quarters.\u00a0 The visitors\u2019 quarters were in a short hallway off the main corridor. We got to my door, and he lingered.<\/p>\n Oh, god.<\/p>\n I should make it clear that he wasn\u2019t drunk, despite the kicky Arcadian ale.\u00a0 Come to think of it, I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever seen Jim really drunk, in all these years.\u00a0 I think his natural metabolism is so wired, liquor just can\u2019t slow him down.<\/p>\n No, he was just tired and feeling reflective, and oh, yeah, no doubt about it, slightly hot to trot.<\/p>\n He put a hand on my arm.<\/p>\n I felt my hips start doing a little unauthorized hula in his direction.\u00a0 This would be so easy.\u00a0 This would be so nice.<\/p>\n But something held me back.\u00a0 Something inside me that was still putting itself back together.\u00a0 Don\u2019t go scratching that itch, Hani.\u00a0 It\u2019s way too complicated.<\/i><\/p>\n I didn\u2019t want to be a conquest, and I didn\u2019t want a one-night stand.\u00a0 I liked Jim.\u00a0 A lot.\u00a0 I\u2019d already come to value his friendship.\u00a0 He was one smart guy, street-smart, smart-ass smart, but also brave and loyal, and his crew, I could tell, would walk through fire for him.\u00a0 I still marveled, constantly, at how I\u2019d managed to end up here with him, with the others, and I felt a oddly proprietary pride in them all, a pride that I think Jim sometimes read as something more.<\/p>\n Maybe it was something more.<\/p>\n On the other hand, he wasn\u2019t the only one around here who was capable of setting off those little flutters inside me.\u00a0 Way too complicated, especially for a refugee from another century whose future here \u2013 I already knew \u2013 was uncertain.<\/p>\n Why do I say that?\u00a0 Because after just a few months, I knew that I wasn\u2019t going to spend my life on a starship.\u00a0 Jim might live and breathe the Enterprise<\/i>; I missed solid earth beneath my feet, blue skies overhead.\u00a0 I would never have told him this, but wandering around space in a tin can, no matter how impressively designed, no matter how great the companions, just wasn\u2019t my cup of tea, even if there\u2019d been some applicable Starfleet career track for me, like \u201cLiving Anachronism, First Class.\u201d<\/p>\n So, while I didn\u2019t rush to fend him off, while I admittedly didn\u2019t actually pull back when the hand slid up to my neck\u2026 and yes, for just a moment I closed my eyes, and let the thrill run up and down my lonely body\u2026 I finally opened my eyes, put a reluctant hand to his chest, and shook my head.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, Jim\u2026 this is not a good idea,\u201d I murmured, with a rueful smile.\u00a0 \u201cI mean, it\u2019s a great idea, don\u2019t get me wrong, but\u2026 Jim, I just can\u2019t.\u00a0 It\u2019s not\u2026I\u2019m just\u2026not\u2026not now.\u201d<\/p>\n Way to babble on, Hani\u2026<\/i><\/p>\n Gentleman he was, but not one to give up at first resistance.\u00a0 He touched his forehead to mine, his lips dangerously close.\u00a0 \u201cAre you sure?\u201d\u00a0 And yet somehow, in that just-one-more-shot question, I knew that he knew I was right. \u00a0I felt it, the presence hovering between us, the presence of the one thing he always weighed against everything else: his ship, his command.\u00a0 So that\u2019s how he does it, I flashed.\u00a0 This is a man who has his priorities crystal clear.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d I smiled, sighing into his own hesitation, liking him all the more for this glimpse of his true nature, his true loyalties.\u00a0 Liking him for not pushing it.\u00a0 Liking him for not pulling apart just yet.<\/p>\n And so there we stood, for just a few seconds, as his arms went around my waist anyway, pressing me against him, and my arms went around his neck, and I recalled with a sudden vivid memory that this was the exact embrace that transported me here in the first place.<\/p>\n Then he left me with a breathy half-kiss in the vicinity of my ear, and a barely whispered, \u201cToo bad\u201d, that had me lying awake for a very long time after.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n < previous\u00a0\u00a0<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 next ><\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Probably him, too, which thought made me feel just a little bit better.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" < previous\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 next > Looking back, I realized I\u2019d more or less seen it coming. I\u2019m sitting in the main recreation area, which is kind of the Enterprise version of the neighborhood pub.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been here going on … Continue reading ![\"300px-The_Earth_seen_from_Apollo_17\"](\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/300px-The_Earth_seen_from_Apollo_17-150x150.jpg\")
<\/a>Looking back, I realized I\u2019d more or less seen it coming.<\/p>\n