<\/p>\n
I\u2019m thinking this to myself one morning, carrying my tray in the mess hall, realizing how I\u2019d ordered my own breakfast without even a thought about the technology.\u00a0 I looked up to see Marilyn waving at me from our regular table, where Sulu was saying something to make her laugh.<\/p>\n When I talk about going from one life to another, it feels just like that; as if who I was back on Earth in the year 2010 was another person, another incarnation entirely.\u00a0 My teacher once said we really wouldn\u2019t want to know about our past lives; it\u2019s hard enough just getting through the one we have now.\u00a0 Everybody wants to think they were Marie Antoinette or something, but chances are, the life we have now is the best one so far, as screwed up as it may be.<\/p>\n The transition into this current life, the one I was so sure I was destined for, hadn\u2019t been exactly easy, though I was no less sure, after nearly four months, that it was the right \u2013 the only – path for me.<\/p>\n I had a time of it, the first few weeks, fighting depression and loneliness, and too frequently waking from nightmares in which Lester Worsham found his way back to finish me off.<\/p>\n I got to thinking about my previous ideas about Life in Space, most of which were formed from watching reruns of old TV sci-fi series \u2013 another of my father\u2019s influences.\u00a0 It was all adventure, all the time, and at the end of the hour, everyone gathered together and nodded sagely or teasingly at each other, no ill effects, no nightmares, no trauma.\u00a0 The movies were even worse.\u00a0 The hero (you rarely saw any heroines) at worst weathered ridiculously impossible blows to reach the end of the film with maybe one little band-aid on his noble brow.<\/p>\n The more I thought about it, and about all the real-world violence that was still a daily news staple when I left Earth, the more annoying it was.\u00a0 Violence is never without its after-effects, physical and emotional.\u00a0 When violence strikes, people\u2019s lives are changed forever.\u00a0 Violence shocks the system, sends an overload of adrenaline that leeches out everything you\u2019ve got when it recedes.\u00a0 Violence stomps fearful images into your conscious and sub-conscious brain, images that burrow in and make themselves at home.<\/p>\n I was lucky to have come into contact with 23rd<\/sup> century medicine, but even Dr. McCoy\u2019s fancy instruments couldn\u2019t keep me from the lingering terror that was Lester Worsham.\u00a0 Yes, Worsham was gone \u2013 long gone, actually \u2013 but he was still a lurking presence it took me a long time to shake.<\/p>\n Dr. McCoy \u2013 simply Bones now – wanted to prescribe something, but I knew what ailed me was more spiritual than physiological.\u00a0 I\u2019d followed my Path, I knew that beyond a doubt.\u00a0 But that path seemed to have taken me away from whatever \u2013 and wherever, and whenever – I\u2019d assumed a spiritual path would be.\u00a0 It had catapulted me far, far away from the teacher who had launched me onto it.\u00a0 Who was I now?\u00a0 And who was I going to be?\u00a0 There were no pills for those existential disorders.<\/p>\n So I knew I simply had to ride this out, trusting that clarity would arise in its own sweet time.\u00a0 Still, I decided to treat myself with a little tenderness along the way. After Bones offered, a second time, to give me something to help me sleep, I looked at him, standing there in sickbay, so ready to fix me up, and pondered whether I could \u2013 or should \u2013 ask for what I knew I really needed.<\/p>\n Bones had a way of looking at me that made me feel at ease on one level, while making me very aware, on another, of some subtle tension.\u00a0 It had something to do with those blue eyes, how they could be so sharp, but then soften into some expression more, well, inviting.\u00a0 He was the consummate professional, of course, so much so that I was still second-guessing my feminine instincts as far as he was concerned.<\/p>\n Oh, what the hell, I thought, just say it.\u00a0 Of course, I hid my need behind a wisecrack.<\/p>\n \u201cHugs, not drugs,\u201d I said.\u00a0 I added, as he looked at me with an odd expression, \u201cI can deal with the nightmares.\u00a0 I\u2019m getting there.\u00a0 But what I could really use\u2026 is an occasional hug.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, why didn\u2019t you just say so?\u201d He said gruffly, motioning me to stand up, and wrapping his arms around me.<\/p>\n The feel of another human being, just sharing that touch\u2026how much had I needed that?\u00a0 I felt the isolation start to melt, just a little.<\/p>\n But then I pulled away, maybe more quickly than I needed to; I didn\u2019t want him to think I was asking for more than I was.\u00a0 I smiled again, almost teary-eyed, that often-embarrassing tendency of mine, and thanked him.<\/p>\n \u201cAny time, Hani,\u201d he gently returned my smile.\u00a0 I moved toward the door, but glanced back one last time, to find him standing there still, arms crossed, the look on his face unreadable.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I was thinking about Bones and his great hugs, some weeks later, on my way down to the Science Lab.\u00a0 I suddenly wondered what Spock would do if I asked him for a hug.\u00a0 The crewman I happened to be passing flashed me a startled look, and I realized I\u2019d laughed out loud. There was simply something about Spock that perversely made me want to goad him.\u00a0 I guess the truth was, he still unnerved me, just a little, even after being around him so much.\u00a0 And I was around him a lot, since I\u2019d been unofficially assigned to work for him.<\/p>\n I\u2019d finally gotten to where I actually enjoyed what I was doing, the task Jim and Spock had given me, even though it was no doubt a make-work thing to keep me occupied and feeling useful.\u00a0 I did \u201cresearch\u201d.\u00a0 In other words, I had access to the ship\u2019s computers, and I\u2019d made myself kind of a resident expert on issues of establishing a new colony from scratch, at least in the social and cultural realms.\u00a0 There was a lot of information out there, most of it far too tedious to interest anyone who had a real job to do.<\/p>\n Me, I had nothing but time on my hands, and Spock thought it was a great way for me to develop the new cognitive skills and brain patterns he\u2019d been re-programming.\u00a0 It took some time, kind of like learning to drive a stick shift, getting to where my instincts and responses were synched, but as I did, I got to enjoy the sensation of working with these machines.\u00a0 I even caught myself mimicking Spock\u2019s fluid hand movements as I swam through oceans of data.<\/p>\n I\u2019d spent a lot of time in my past digging through reams of information, finding arcane or interesting stuff and shaping it into something that made sense.\u00a0 I was good at summarizing and collating.\u00a0 And now, occasionally, people seemed to actually listen to what I had to offer.\u00a0 It felt surprisingly good to know that, at least in some small ways, the new colony on Virgilian would reflect my personal input.<\/p>\n So I worked away, not a full shift, but pretty much at my own leisure.\u00a0 And no, I didn\u2019t ask Spock for any hugs, although once in a while, he came over and leaned in close to see what I was working on, and I\u2019d be lying if I didn\u2019t admit the proximity was, how should I put this?\u00a0 Unsettling, in a rather potent way.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n < previous\u00a0<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 next ><\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" < previous\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 next > I\u2019ve been such a wanderer, all my life.\u00a0 It still amazes me, how a person can go from one life to another and adjust, so that in almost no time, the new life becomes … Continue reading ![\"300px-The_Earth_seen_from_Apollo_17\"](\"https:\/\/hanilives.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/300px-The_Earth_seen_from_Apollo_17-150x150.jpg\")
<\/a>I\u2019ve been such a wanderer, all my life.\u00a0 It still amazes me, how a person can go from one life to another and adjust, so that in almost no time, the new life becomes the new\u2026 normal.<\/p>\n